This is a sad post :-( A friend shared this on Facebook and it was as if I could have written the entire post myself but changed all things to reflect the specifics in my life.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/claire-bidwell-smith/the-inheritance-of-loss_b_1253376.html
For those of you that don't know, my mom lost her battle to breast cancer when she was only 33. I was 12. She was diagnosed at age 29. Too young. Due to my family history, I get mammo's every year and after Gavin was born I had genetic testing done because I was terrified I had this gene and it was just waiting to rear its ugly head. I couldn't deal with not knowing...thankfully I do not carry the gene. That is not to say lifestyle or environments won't cause me to have any kind of cancers but at least I knew. It was no longer that irritating thought in back of my mind.
This article was me at 12 years old. My world stopped at age 12. Throughout my life, I have categorized it in 2 sections....before age 12 and after age 12. When big events happen in my life, it does seem like they shouldn't be happening without my mom to be there to guide me and cheer for me. When I graduated high school, college, masters, my wedding, birth of our children, etc. Some days it is very surreal to me that I am living a regular life, going on with my usual routine...even though it has been 22 years since she passed. When I turned 33....it was unreal to finally be the age of my mom when she passed. It brought me an entirely new perspective on my life, my wonderful husband and children. I cannot imagine knowing that I wouldn't get to grow old with Marcin, watch my kids grow up and meet my grandchildren. I am sure when my boys turn 12, that will also be a day that stands out in my life. To see how young kids really are at 12, regardless of how grown we think we may be:-P My 33rd birthday was a bittersweet day. The paragraph below from the article really hit home for me:
"It was like, without my mother, I couldn't possibly go on. I couldn't grow up, become a woman, do things that she would never know about, go places she'd never been, think things I couldn't tell her. Even right now, there is a part of me that refuses to believe that I am the woman I have become. Except, every so often I catch a glimpse. I see it in a passing glance in the mirror, hear it in an accidental laugh, stifled and throaty, find it in a footstep, an echo in a hallway. Suddenly there are these two parts of me, then and now, staring back at each other, wondering where the other came from."
In retrospect, I (or my guardians) should have sought out counseling after she passed. I did not....thankfully I had amazing family that saw me through it. Supported and tolerated me when I acted out as a teenager (I had my moments!). There are many directions my life could have gone but they someone managed to keep me on the right path. I guess I will learn this as my boys grow up and we try to guide them throughout their lives.
If you have lost a parent or someone close to you, I know you can relate. I think of my mom everyday, she will always be a part of me and as the boys get older they will learn and get to know their grandmother also :-)
Sorry to be sad but I had to share this and get it off my chest :-) ::AAAHHHH::: Feel much better now! thanks for listening!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/claire-bidwell-smith/the-inheritance-of-loss_b_1253376.html
For those of you that don't know, my mom lost her battle to breast cancer when she was only 33. I was 12. She was diagnosed at age 29. Too young. Due to my family history, I get mammo's every year and after Gavin was born I had genetic testing done because I was terrified I had this gene and it was just waiting to rear its ugly head. I couldn't deal with not knowing...thankfully I do not carry the gene. That is not to say lifestyle or environments won't cause me to have any kind of cancers but at least I knew. It was no longer that irritating thought in back of my mind.
This article was me at 12 years old. My world stopped at age 12. Throughout my life, I have categorized it in 2 sections....before age 12 and after age 12. When big events happen in my life, it does seem like they shouldn't be happening without my mom to be there to guide me and cheer for me. When I graduated high school, college, masters, my wedding, birth of our children, etc. Some days it is very surreal to me that I am living a regular life, going on with my usual routine...even though it has been 22 years since she passed. When I turned 33....it was unreal to finally be the age of my mom when she passed. It brought me an entirely new perspective on my life, my wonderful husband and children. I cannot imagine knowing that I wouldn't get to grow old with Marcin, watch my kids grow up and meet my grandchildren. I am sure when my boys turn 12, that will also be a day that stands out in my life. To see how young kids really are at 12, regardless of how grown we think we may be:-P My 33rd birthday was a bittersweet day. The paragraph below from the article really hit home for me:
"It was like, without my mother, I couldn't possibly go on. I couldn't grow up, become a woman, do things that she would never know about, go places she'd never been, think things I couldn't tell her. Even right now, there is a part of me that refuses to believe that I am the woman I have become. Except, every so often I catch a glimpse. I see it in a passing glance in the mirror, hear it in an accidental laugh, stifled and throaty, find it in a footstep, an echo in a hallway. Suddenly there are these two parts of me, then and now, staring back at each other, wondering where the other came from."
In retrospect, I (or my guardians) should have sought out counseling after she passed. I did not....thankfully I had amazing family that saw me through it. Supported and tolerated me when I acted out as a teenager (I had my moments!). There are many directions my life could have gone but they someone managed to keep me on the right path. I guess I will learn this as my boys grow up and we try to guide them throughout their lives.
If you have lost a parent or someone close to you, I know you can relate. I think of my mom everyday, she will always be a part of me and as the boys get older they will learn and get to know their grandmother also :-)
Sorry to be sad but I had to share this and get it off my chest :-) ::AAAHHHH::: Feel much better now! thanks for listening!
<3
ReplyDeletehugs!! this is beautiful despite how much sadness you've been through
ReplyDeleteYou know I can completely relate but one thing you wrote stood out to me...I see my life as two parts. I always think about the divide before my dad and Brian's dad passed and how our life has changed after. All good things but those moments are tough without our parents here!
ReplyDeleteI know this must have been tough to write but it was written so well! I know you must miss her and she would be beyond proud of the mother you are!!! love ya!
So poignant! Your strength has yielded you so much and gotten you this far. Somewhere out there, your mom is just beaming with pride.
ReplyDelete